Stuck In The Closet
by fish stix satay
Summary: Holly and Artemis are stuck in a janitors closet. previously known as Place Whitty Title Here, has been modified to suit websites restrictions


**This is my second attempt at this fic, as some idiot decided to complain about it last time it was up. It is practically the same, with a few changes. Please don't blame me if it's not as funny or good as before, blame the sad little pathetic wee looser that was enough of an ass wipe to get it removed before. I'm still tender about that, because this was a story that I liked before. I** **don't like it now, but I still want to finish it with my brilliant ideas.**

**Have fun, drink vodka, anything's possible!**

"Fowl, you idiot! What the hell were you thinking?" exclaimed Holly.

"I thought you said this was the way to the toilets, not a janitors closet, Short." Retorted Artemis.

"I never said anything of the sort, idiot mud-man. I said the toilets were third door on the left."

"Well this _is_ the left, isn't it?"

"No, Fowl. This is the _right_-hand side of the corridor. I told you that on the way into the LEP" _god, why are mud men so bloody stupid?_

"Oh… but that makes absolutely no logical sense. This is on the left."

"Yes, Mud Man. Now, if you please, open the goddamn door"

There was a muffled thumping noise from the general vicinity of where Artemis was standing, followed with a disappointed grunt.

"Well?" enquired Holly.

"It's stuck."

"What the hell are you on about, Fowl?"_ it can't be stuck. This is the Kissing Closet, where everyone comes to make out during working hours. They all come out within an hour. Unless they're unlucky enough to be with Chix. _Holly shuddered at the mere thought.

"The door won't open. As in it's stuck shut. And we're trapped." Explained Artemis, as one would when talking to a three year old.

"D'ARVIT!" _I can't be trapped in here with this mud man._

"Pardon?"

"What? I didn't say anything." _I didn't say anything out loud before, did I? _"Have you tried the handle, Mud Man?"

"Negatori, Short. And stop calling me Mud Man. It hurts my feelings."

_God, what a soppy freak. _"What, you haven't tried the handle? What kinda frigging idiot _are _you?

"Ha, ha. Very funny, Short. There _isn't_ a handle."

"WHAT?" _No. No. No. No. No. No. NO!_

"There isn't a handle on the door, you idiot."

"D'arvit, Fowl, I'm not an idiot. You need an IQ of at least 800 to be accepted into the LEP"

"Yeah… so what do we do now?"

Holly did the only sensible thing she could do in the given circumstances. She took a deep breath, threw her head back and screamed on the tops of her lungs. "HHHEEEELLLLPPP! I'M STUCK IN HERE WITH A FRIGGING MUD MAN AND I'M GOING TO DIE!"

Artemis reached forward and gently slapped Holly on each cheek. "Holly, SHUT UP! I don't think anyone can hear us."

"Help…" she whispered, in the futile hope that if no one heard her screaming, they could possibly hear her whisper.

"What happened to Butler?"

"I don't know. Maybe he got lost, or went to the _actual toilets_. I'm sure he'd at least have a small brain in that Neanderthal skull of his."

"How about we play a game?" Artemis brightly suggested. Too brightly, in Holly's opinion.

"What do you have in mind, Mud Man?"

"Truth?"

"Truth? How do you play that?"

"Well, we take turns asking questions and the other person must answer it honestly." Holly internally snorted at this. _Us? Playing a game where we had to answer questions? Honestly?_ It was a concept she found somewhat ludicrous.

"How about… NO."

"Why not?"

"There are some things I don't want to tell you."

"Fine." There followed a silence of fifteen to twenty minutes.

"So, um, how's your mother doing?" Holly asked awkwardly. Well, the question had to be asked at some point – the last time Holly saw her, and at the time she was more than likely to be called Clinically Insane. Or was that Criminally Insane?

"She's not insane anymore. I wish I hadn't asked you to make her better, though."

"Why?"

"She's always sticking her nose into what I'm doing. Like when I was searching for my father a few years ago."

"What do you think of squirrels?"

"There isn't any in here is there?" Artemis cried in a high-pitched voice.

"Why?"

"Um, I, err, a, don't exactly like them." Said the almighty heir to the Fowl Manor, attempting to return his voice to normality.

"The Brave Master Fowl, kidnapper of The People, Criminal Mastermind from the age of twelve, is afraid of an iddly wee squirrel?"

All the poor mud boy could do was say nothing in attempt to hide his great embarrassment.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"It's not funny!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Artemis said nothing, but blushed the deepest shade of red that Holly had ever seen.

"Hahaha, why are you afraid of squirrels? Hahaha."

"What kind of stupid question is that?"

"Just answer the question, Mud Man." Holly said in a brisk tone, shooting an acidic look in Artemis's direction.

"It's their itty wee hands. Small hands creep me out!"

"AHAHAHAHAHA! Hey! I have small hands, even for an Elf." Holly put on a cute little face as she said this, looking and sounding hurt by Artemis's comment. But with Artemis being a male, he didn't register any of this. Just because he's Super Intelligent obviously didn't exclude him from the Stupid Male category.

"NOOOOOO! The small-handed creatures are coming to get me!"

"Oh, for the love of the Earth, Mud Man. GROW UP!" and she promptly reached forward and gave Artemis one hard slap on the cheek.

"Hey, don't slap me! I have a very delicate skin condition. And don't call me Mud Man. I've already told you how that makes me feel."

**I'll update this fanfic when I get around to fixing the next chapter (oh the joy of that).**

**Schizophrenic Squirrel: I'm guessing you didn't get to read the note I left you last time, so here it is… yes I do live in New Zealand, Where do you live? I finished reading the fourth book, and didn't like it much (I think there was a certain lack of Foaly and that made me sad)**

**HAHA! I WIN! Nobody has any reason for getting this removed again, IT'S PERFECTLY F$#ING SAFE! Sorry. Lack of sugar. And caffeine.**


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